By “spicy,” I mean controversial or emotive or uncomfortable. You know the ones I’m talking about.

“Does the Church really hate gay people?”

“Why can’t women be priests?”

“How can God be a good person when He does so many bad things?”

Questions like these are at the forefront of a lot of people’s minds, both inside and outside the Church. Conversations like this are bound to find you eventually, especially when you work or volunteer in youth ministry.

Now, I just want to say that this post isn’t for everyone. There’s a lot of people who already have really good formation and/or instincts in this area.

But for me, who went into my first year of full-time youth ministry feeling absolutely terrified of young people, conflict, and controversy, these principles would have been useful to know at the time. So, this post is for all the people like me, who want to tell young people that Jesus loves them but aren’t sure how to navigate the spicy conversations that might come up along the way.

These principles aren’t based on any teaching from any priest or theologian or saint, they’re just revelations that came to me over the years, so feel free to take or leave them, but I write them here in the hope that they might help some of you, a little bit.

1. MOST PEOPLE HAVE TO LOVE JESUS BEFORE THEY CAN LOVE HIS TEACHINGS

So, I used to think that because all the spicy and controversial teachings of the Church were grounded in reason and natural law, I could just debate the average atheist into living a good and virtuous life, and then they’d start loving Jesus after that.

Well, that has worked for some people, I’m sure. But for the vast majority – and especially for young people, whose key question to the world is ‘Am I loved?’, it’s gotta be the other way around. You start by sharing with someone about the love of God, and by modelling that love to them through your own words and actions, and eventually (we pray), a space will open in that person’s heart for the love of Jesus, and He will transform their life, not you.

I’m not saying there’s no place for explaining and defending Church teachings. And I’m also not saying that it’s fine for people to join the Church and sorta kinda believe some of its teachings and ignore the rest. But you’ve got to bear in mind that most people won’t be inspired to change their lives unless they’ve felt the love of God and are ready to respond to it. But the more they experience the love of God, the more the Church teachings will fall into place for them, without you having to do anything other than give a gentle explanation here and there. How good’s that?!

2. CONVERSATIONS ARE NOT ARGUMENTS, AND YOU DON’T NEED TO WIN THEM

I used to hate it when people told me this, because I felt like it was an excuse to not bother witnessing to the faith, or like, by not trying to win an argument, I was automatically losing an argument. But…it’s true! Conversations aren’t arguments, questions aren’t arguments, and frankly, even if you are in an argument and you win, the other person is still probably not going to love God any more than they did before, just because you made them feel wrong or stupid.

Does that mean Truth doesn’t matter, or that you aren’t asked to defend the Truth? Absolutely not. And yes, counselling the doubtful and instructing the ignorant are still spiritual works of mercy. But there’s a time and place for these, and you have to do these things in a spirit of humility – which means not worrying about if you’ve won the argument, or convinced the other person, or seemed smart and knowledgeable, or whatever it is that you’re worried about. You need to remember that you’re dealing with a human being who has reasons for asking or saying or believing the things that they do, and the main thing you need to do in this conversation is listen to them and demonstrate that you (and therefore God, because you’re His representative) really care about them!

3. YOU HAVE TO FORM YOURSELF FIRST

Now, just because the five proofs of Aquinas or the latest course in apologetics aren’t necessarily going to convince an angsty youth group kid that God exists, that doesn’t mean those resources aren’t important. And just because a fifteen-year-old boy isn’t going to stop sleeping with his girlfriend after you quote some statistics at him, that doesn’t mean those statistics are meaningless.

The fact is, we can have a lot of unanswered questions without realising it, and we can always use reminding of the reasons why we believe what we believe. It’s not that you have to give a two-hour lecture whenever a young person asks you a simple question – but it helps if you yourself have studied up on the answer to this question, so much so that you know the answer back to front. For one thing, you will feel more convicted in your own beliefs, which will help when those beliefs are challenged. And for another, you will be better able to give simple, digestible, meaningful answers to questions when you have a deeper and fuller understanding of those answers.

4. THE CHURCH’S ’SPICY’ TEACHINGS ARE NOT AS CENTRAL AS PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE

Now, I’m not saying the spicy teachings aren’t important or aren’t true. But what’s most important is the kerygma: God made you good, and He loved you so much that He sent Jesus to die and rise again for you so that you can be with Him in Heaven.

That’s the bottom line, and it applies to everyone. That’s the WHOLE MESSAGE OF THE CHURCH. Everything else is just that one truth applied and extended in different directions.

The problem is, people both inside and outside the Church have got this idea that the stuff about sex and marriage or women and the priesthood is the really important stuff, and all that God-loves-you business is beside the point. But that just isn’t true, and sometimes, I think the amount of time we spend discussing these topics just adds to the idea in young people’s heads that ‘if you don’t agree with X, Y, and Z, then you aren’t accepted by God or the Church.’ But I really don’t think that X, Y or Z are the hill we need to die on. Everyone has to start somewhere, and I think it’s best to start with ‘God loves me,’ and figure the rest out along the way.

5. REMEMBER THAT SIN IS A RESPONSE TO SUFFERING

I used to really struggle being friends with people who weren’t living their lives by the same values as I was (for example, friends who believed that it was good and normal – even loving – to have sex before marriage), because I knew these friends didn’t believe in the concept of sin, and so they wouldn’t understand, or wouldn’t care, or wouldn’t like me if I tried to call out their behaviour as being ‘sinful’. But I also felt that because these behaviours were so culturally acceptable, it was the duty of practising Catholics to speak out, or risk silently condoning someone else’s sin.

Because of this turmoil I felt, I found it very hard to have compassion for people in these situations. It wasn’t until maybe my second year of Team that I finally started to understand a simple truth which I’d heard my whole life, but had never really internalised: people sin because they’re in pain. Not just because they feel like it, or because they’re bad people, but because they’ve encountered suffering and are trying to cope with it.

Like, people overindulge in food, drink, sex and drugs to distract themselves from their pain. People get into messy relationships because they want to feel loved. People gossip and bully others because they’re insecure – because at some point, someone else hurt them.

It’s basic stuff, but it’s the key to having compassion. When a young person tells you that they think this behaviour is okay, or they don’t understand why that behaviour is a sin – remember, the reason why that young person wants to do those things is because they want to feel loved, safe, and happy – and they genuinely believe that this behaviour will help them. Your role in these conversations is not to tell the young person how bad they are and how bad their life is, but to have compassion for them and show them what it really means to love and be loved, so that one day they can find the love and safety and happiness they desire in God.

6. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE’S SALVATION

I used to hate the idea that ‘Jesus is more interested in your conversion than in using you to convert others,’ because I saw it as an excuse for laziness, and for not bothering to evangelise. I was so worried about being a “good witness” that I started to believe that if I didn’t personally convert my friends, then no one else would, and their soul would be lost forever, and so would mine.

But that’s just pride. The only person who can change hearts and minds is God. He’s the one doing all the work, and He’s the one who gets all the credit.

How freeing is that?

Basically, you don’t have to worry about whether having this one conversation with a young person right now is going to save their soul or not. You just have to treat them with dignity and kindness as a beloved Child of God, and trust that He will do the rest.

7. GOD IS GREATER THAN THE CHURCH, THE SACRAMENTS, AND ALL HUMAN CIRCUMSTANCES

Once again, I’m not saying the Church isn’t important, or that Jesus doesn’t care if we’re part of the Church or not. I’m not saying the Sacraments are less important than other ways of connecting with God. And I’m definitely not saying that it doesn’t matter what a person’s circumstances are, sinful or virtuous.

But the fact is, God is greater than all these things, and His mercy and grace are not limited in the same way we are.

If that young person you met on a school retreat never gets baptised, that doesn’t mean God won’t save him. If that youth group girl is sleeping with her boyfriend, that doesn’t mean God can’t bring grace out of that situation. God is almighty, and He wants those young people to be with Him in Heaven even more than you do. So don’t lose sleep over whether your young people are following all the rules or not. Just pray for them, and love them, and TRUST that God will reach them and bring good and beautiful things out of their life. He is God!

That’s pretty much all I have to say – other than, when you’re in the conversation, make sure you pray, “Come, Holy Spirit,” in the back of your mind. And afterwards, pray, “Lord, if anything I said was of You, let their heart be open to it. But if anything I said was not of You, let it fall on deaf ears.”

Those two prayers have been my saving grace, and are more important than all these seven principles put together.

Seven Principles for Having Spicy Conversations with Youths

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